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22 September 2010 @ 11:20 pm
At least some point every year I look back at this journal, and i realize how much my life and myself have changed. I used to see every little thing as a big situation, and thought expressing it was the best way to handle it. I look back, and cant believe i shared some of the stuff i did. it kind of weirds me out knowing thats how i was. I have changed so much. I think it took going through so many bad experiences, and bad stages, to realize that in the end i dont have to fret over the little things. To this day i still cringe on how i let myself like any guy that walked within a 5 yard radius. Its honestly humorous. It took letting go of the idea that a guy would make me overall happy, for me to actually find a guy that makes me overall happy. The funny thing? He doesnt even live in my same town. He lives in San Angelo. Go figure. San Angelo, the place where i probably made so many immature mistakes, immature decisions, and was sad to leave, yet happy I left. Is that possible? Now i have been back more then i wanted, encountered more people that i never really wanted to see again, yet found so much happiness. I love Brandon Hall, yet today we broke up. At least i believe we did. I will marry this guy. But the strain of long distance has officially taken its toll. The fights become so repetitive, and so consistent, that after a while you break. And it feels unmendable (word?). If the situation were different, and he were here or i was there, we would be together, happy as can be. Im typing this, thinking that it will make me feel better but it really doesnt. But it has made me realize alot about myself. 5 years ago, I wouldnt of let go. I would of kept trying to make it happen, fight through it. but 5 years ago, all that would of done was make the relationship worse. and make the break up, even harder. i have matured. and most might not want to agree, but i know i have. i keep rambeling, but i cant keep a straight thought in my head. Seeing how much i have grown and changed, makes me wonder, how will i be in the next year? next 5 years? I used to think my happiness came in the arms of a guy, that i had to have somebody to make me happy. its amazing how much that is, and isnt, true. Brandon made me so happy. but i wasnt looking for it. It happened so unexpectedly, and that is what i think made the entire difference. so why are we not together? i dont know. its not the right decision, but it feels like the only right decision right now.

I log on to this thing once a year, and ask myself everytime why i just dont delete it, and i think its because i like to look back and see if i have matured any at all over the last years. and honestly, i think i have, but then again i cant wait to see next year.
04 June 2009 @ 01:09 am
So i wish i was like Mel Gibson in What Women Want, except i would like to hear inside a mans head, not a womans. but then again i believe thats how every woman on this planet feels. however men are pretty simple minded, from what i have seen they act on what they want to act apon and avoid what they dont want. simple as that. no strings attached. but there are those other times, when you think you have them figured out and they give you all the right signs leading in a good direction, one thing doesnt fit and it screws up the entire process. from past experiences, when a guy has been really really interested in me, he always wanted to hang out. always wanted to do something. always wanted to be around me, even if it meant putting off a couple of other priorities. and unfortunetly, thats how i get when i really like a guy. got somethin goin on at 2, oh yeah i will go hang out with you at 1:30 who cares if im late. i hate thats how i get, but i always feel like if i dont do it now then the opportunity will never rise again. its a shitty feeling. its not like i want a guy thats obsessed with me 24/7, i have had that before and didnt like it at all. i want a guy that will fit me into his life, not make it all revolve around me. however, when they do decide to fit me in, the times that they decide they dont want to be around me, is a phone call too hard to make? no not even a phone call, it can be a damn text. just as long as im informed that you got other plans going on and they were just wanting to see what was up and get together sometime later. or something. shit. i know this is stupid trying to get guys to be perfect when they are clearly incapeable of completly satisfying a girl, but when u get to a certain point they could at least try a little harder. im in a weird situation right now, and its starting to feel like im just a "convienence" for him. its like he thinks, well im not doing anything with my other friends today, why dont i call her and see if she wants to hang out. but when other plans are going on, im definitely not on his mind. or so i think. the way i see it is, the more you progess towards a "relationship" or whatever the hell they become, then typically staying in contact with the other person becomes pretty common. and im not saying have 5 hour long conversations 3 times a day. i mean just sending a simple ass text saying hey whats up? hanging with the friends today, talk to you soon tho? I would be perfectly fine with that. no, i would be seriously happy with that. i hate talking on the phone anyways, convos get to awkard. but anyways right now i feel like its a constant "we just met so i dont have to let u know whats going on at all" stage. so going a few days without talking seems perfectly fine to him, even though we have definitely cleared past that stage (seeing as we have been friends for 3 years and definitely had plenty of time to get past that). if i was to say all the things that have been going on, any sane girl would tell me "honey, obviously he just doesnt like you that much." and typically when it gets to this point i do say that and decide hey, its time to move on. howabout i make a list to make myself feel better.
-he never texts me, i text him
-when i do talk to him, usually he is busy doing something and says he will call me when he is done
-typically that ends in a no call.
-if i dont text him, i dont hear from him. at all.
-sometimes, i just dont get a reply
-he tells me that if we went to the same college, then we would definitely be going out. if you really liked me though, why does it matter where we go to school?

okay so if you saw this list i think everyone in their right mind would tell me to open my eyes and just forget the douche bag that im wasting time on. but then there is this list..
-when we hang out, we do lots of different things, never the same thing (no booty calls)
-he always finds a way to sneak in a kiss at some point
-doesnt hide his affection in front of his friends (which doesnt seem like a big deal)
-but he treats me the same way around his parents, so does that say something?
-gets nosey with my texts (maybe thats anybody, idk)
-i believe he actually got offended when i reffered to him in one of my texts as "a friend"
-when meeting somewhere, he will call me until i show up (which i dont know if thats a big deal, but to me it makes me feel like he cares if im there)
-feels like we are bf and gf. but only when we are together.

after disecting these lists, i have come to the conclusion that i am merely a convieniece. which really sucks, especially when you start to fall for the guy. guess thats what i get for trying to think someone actually wanted to be with me.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
15 December 2008 @ 02:28 am
Its December, and i just finished the 1st semester of my sophemore year. funny thing is, sooo many things have already changed. i have seen an entire other side to people, and some for the good, while most for the bad. i moved in an apartment with 3 of my best friends. and while 2 of them are still my best friends, the 1 that was supposed to be my true has definitely become distant. that damn phrase, "if you move in with your best friend you wont be best friends anymore" is so true. not only that, but some of my other friends have become so distant. one has turned into a tool, while the other got a girlfriend and basically shut out all his old friends which sucks, because i was one of them. i cant say im totally content with where i am right now, because im not. still being treated the same by guys and im so sick of it. im so tired of guys not taking me seriously. im tired of it. none of my guy friends take me seriously, they barely even treat me like im a girl. i know ive always been more of a guys girl, like i prefer to drink beer and watch football and talk about sports. i think the greatest date ever would be to a Cowboys game. but seriously, when they ask me why i dont have a boyfriend i just want to be like, well you wouldnt date me so what makes you think other guys will? but whatever. i have literally gotten to the point where i dont try anymore, at all. i gave it a shot again this semester and got shot down waay to many times to give it another go around. so im just gonna stick with what i do best, and thats hanging out with my friends, drinking beer, watching football, and of course playing golf. but, im sure we will see how long this lasts. i have been so edgy lately too, especially with my close friends and i dont mean to be that way, but i get so frustrated about little things and i hate that i do. i never say anything about it, i just hope my retarded feelings pass over so that way i dont cause anything bad to happen because of my stupid thoughts. like, im glad its christmas break, but at the same time, im kind of ready for the semester to start back up already. dont get me wrong, i love the holiday season. but since im staying here in Denton most of the time, i sit on my ass. i would go back home, but i barely even hang out with my friends there anymore (not like i got really close to them anyways). and i love my family to death, but they are only 30 minutes away from me, so i dont have to spend my entire time with them. honestly, i just want something fucking exciting to happen. im sick of the same ol same ol. sitting and waiting for some douchebag guy to come around, waiting for the next big party to happen, waiting for my friends to come around and be like man i am so sorry for being such a douche....i just need something new, different, EXCITING. uuuhhhh yah we will see if that happens.
Current Mood: crankycranky
27 May 2008 @ 11:10 pm
its been about another year, and its seriously crazy about how a person can change. i used to let stupid things like guys effect my everyday life and mood. i try not to do that anymore. i just dont care usually. i have been trying to focus alot of my time on golf, because i do want to become a better player. i dont really get that same empty feeling anymore which makes me a little happier. i have realized that i have 3 really badass best friends that are seriously always there for me and that makes me feel so good. i have also made some really badass friends in college, and i feel so close to them. its nice to have that feeling where you know that there is somebody else that is caring about you, and i dont mean a guy. i just dont care for that feeling anymore. since i just got out of a 2 month relationship, it made me realize that sometimes when a guy gives you ALL his attention, like seriously fucking all of it, it gets old. i dont want that. i want about 90% of your attention, but that other 10% i want you to ignore me so i can get mad and pick a fight. i like to fight. its fun and it makes me feel like if your in a relationship and your fighting, then you care about the person and like them enough to fight and get over it later. i like that feeling. there is one thing though that has been stuck in the back of my mind, but i know eventually it will go away. of course it is a guy, but i know for a fact its something that wont ever work so that is why i keep it in the back of my mind, and do my best to not ever bring it up. its kinda like a dream thingy, like i can pretend what it could be and it makes me happy for a little bit then i forget about it. nothing wrong with that. maybe there is that hope, but if not its ok. its not gonna be something to stop my everyday life. im doing what i can to make the best out of everything and be happy about everything. im attempting to change in many ways, and i think its working. its nice to use this journal to vent because nobody reads it anymore and it lets me say what i want to say. back to that dream boy thing, i know i keep saying i dont even dwell on boys anymore, but this one guy just really gets to me. he can be such a jerk and for some reason i love that. i dont understand why an asshole can be so damn hott. its not fair. then again when he isnt an asshole he is badass to hang out with. i wish i wouldnt let him get to me, but i am. fortunetly i know that this will go away just like any other guy i have ever let get to me. i guess i always got to have that one that just sticks in my head till im ready to get over it. yep thats definitely it. haha i love how i just read over this and in the beginning i say how i dont care about guys but i finish it up by talkin about one. im really cool. oh well. im a typical girl, i cant really help it. if i didnt think about guys at all i might be worried about myself. i am enjoying my life right now though. i feel like its going good for the most part. i like that fresh new feeling you get when you end a relationship. it feels like your ready for a new beginning, kind of like a new chapter in your life. i just finished freshman year of college and i feel like another chapter is over. the funny thing is i can see how i have changed so much just from the beginning of the school year to now. i cant wait for this summer, lots of golf as usual. it will keep me busy. i like being busy because i dont dwell on dumb things. im ready to start my next chapter, i think it will be exciting. i feel changes, good changes.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
18 February 2007 @ 09:11 pm

So it has been seirously like years since i wrote in this..haha. and i dont expect anybody to read this but its really the only thing i have to kinda vent without shit getting started. its been almost a month since i broke up with my boyfriend of a year..and i cant seem to get myself happy again. before i met blake i was that girl that couldnt keep a relationship going longer then a month, if i was lucky. especially in san angelo my sophmore year but thats beside the point. after finally getting to actually be with someone and consider them as my seirous boyfriend i really miss that feeling. i miss the fact that someone did care about me, and having someone to always talk to and be there for me. its so frustrating right now cuz i try to make things seem better but i cant and its so hard. im still trying to get over the fact that im not with blake anymore because it seemed like we were going to last forever. i dont know what to do. ive matured alot more now that i know what it takes to make something work becuase me and blake had lots of problems. all i can think about is being in a relationship again. i dont know who with but right now i dont know what to do with myself. it takes me seirously like 2 hours to try and fall asleep because all i do is lay there and think about how things could be and were and should be. i really just want to cry but thats stupid. im living my life as best as i can and im having a good time but i still want that someone there for me, that someone that i can always think about and know that they are thinking about me too. i just feel kinda alone all the time, even when im with a bunch of friends. im scared that i wont find anybody else and that im just going to be stuck like this. i mean i enjoy being single and being able to do what i want cuz im having alot of fun..but its still hard to just relish the fact that i dont have someone else to rely on..ahh idk. its so stupid but i cant get the feeling to go away. i am really enjoying my senior year and i cant wait to graduate. im playing golf for UNT next year so if anything i should be happy with where i am right now but im really not cuz i feel like im missing something. ahh...who knows! but anyways for anybody that might possibly read this maybe you could help me out..if anybody even still uses this. oh well its good to get my feelings out.


oh and updates for anybody that really didnt know...im at Southlake Carroll right now for my senior year..(yes i moved again) soo incase anybody was wondering!

Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: back home-yellowcard
30 September 2005 @ 01:59 pm
well i havnt updated in a long time cuz im never home anymore. im gonna be in san angelo in like, 4 hours : ) that means i get to see jenny! yeah i have a golf tournment down there so that means all you people down there better go watch me! anyways.. heres that list i made last time.goals for this semester: -drive to abilene..next month -drive to lubbock..next month -go to san angelo the 21st of october..next month -get a homecoming date..never happened -play really good in golf..i will find out this weekend -call some old friends..still gotta do that -make straight A's..haha nope didnt happen -get a new cell phone..october 3rd! -settle down with someone..not yet -get my hair as long as possible (its already long)..yeah -get a new cd player for my car..christmas -and new speakers..christmas -actually WATCH a football game..yes i finally did! -earn money..nope -buy a cool tee-shirt..nope i just stole someones -buy the freakin green day cd since i never got it..i burned it : ) -make a really good rock cd..yep! -make a really good country cd..nope.. -dont sleep in class!!! hahaha i tried. mk well i love everyone and leave me a sweet one : )
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: eye of the tiger
02 September 2005 @ 03:04 pm
whos ready for labor day weekend??!!

I AM!!!

goals for this semester:
-drive to abilene
-drive to lubbock
-go to san angelo the 21st of october
-get a homecoming date
-play really good in golf
-call some old friends
-make straight A's
-get a new cell phone
-settle down with someone
-get my hair as long as possible (its already long)
-get a new cd player for my car
-and new speakers
-actually WATCH a football game
-earn money
-buy a cool tee-shirt
-buy the freakin green day cd since i never got it
-make a really good rock cd
-make a really good country cd
-dont sleep in class!!!

ok so the last one prolly wont happen..but its okay!!

leave a sweet one!
Current Mood: sillyperky
Current Music: coldplay